Dream in Writing...

Saturday, 07 November 2009

  • I want a baby.

    I'm serious.

    I want to be a mama so bad. I think about it everyday.

    God, I'm so weird.

    What 23 year old thinks about being a mother constantly?!

    Shouldn't I be thinking about school, clubbing, boyfriend/girlfriend, shopping or some shit like that?

    My psyche is all messed up.

    Maybe I'm impatient to be what my mama wasn't.

    The only love I feel right about is the love for my future children. 

    Logic says it can't happen right now. I have no money. I don't want my kid to know hunger and filth like I did.

    I also don't want her to know a cold, emotionless mother. That is what I am, cold. Unable to express what I feel. Except anger. Always rage.

    I want my kid to know love. I want to be able to hug without flinching. To smile with my lips and my eyes. I want my heart to ache with happiness, not sadness and pain.

    What about a dad? A sperm donor? How can I create life when I can't stand to be touched? Who would want me anyway?

    I cry because I'm afraid I'll be like this forever.

    Alone in neverending darkness.

Monday, 02 November 2009

  • WI and Christmas Challenge

    Hey my Xanga babes!

    Sorry I've been MIA. I am not a morning person at all so getting up at 6am is killing me! The job is going good, though I almost threw up today because we started taking live calls. Can you say CHAOS?! >.< I was luckier than some of my classmates who got cussed out and hung up on. Internet billing/technical support is brutal business.

    The getting up early in the morning combined with the hour change (stupid Daylight Savings) has left me feeling sleep deprived and pissy. But....I'm happy. Grumpy but happy if that's possible! Terrified about where my decisions are leading me but still happy!

    WI was Sunday and I lost another 2.4 lbs!

    Just taking this a day at a time. My goal for this month is to get back into a gym routine of sorts. I really hate Ballys! Ugh! I miss the Y so much. But dammit, I paid for the membership and I'm going to use it. Can you believe they want to charge extra for Zumba?! Really? Asshats.

    I also want to start the 100 PushUp and 200 Situp challenges.

    In an effort to push myself out of my shell, I brought a freakin $20 webcam and joined a YOUtube challenge!

    Crazy, I know. So now the whole world can watch me fall flat on my face.

    Nice.

    Oh well. Stiff upper lip and all that.

    Memo to self: record SW video tomorrow after work.

    My beautiful baby cousin Jai turned 11 on Halloween! I sent her my last $10.

    Oh, NSV: I have a fridge full of (good!) food and I have kept track of where every little cent has gone since payday! :D So I know why I'm broke. LOL

    So apparantly, Edward is one of those characters that I just hate no matter the story. *rolls eyes* Whether he's written as the hero or not, he still comes off as a pompous ass.

    <3

    Edit: I forgot to tell ya'll about the Nikki drama this morning. Getting ready for work, she calls me, I answer the phone, and she is just crying like she was dying. I swear, I lost my breathe, I thought she had lost the baby or something but no, she just cried for like ten minutes about how much she misses me! I thought something else triggered it and she was just like 'I miss you, I miss your face and spending time with you.' Then she told me not to laugh at her (I wasn't), it was just the pregnancy hormones. Well after work she called again, we talked and she told me that her dumb ass baby daddy was over her house this morning. They had saw a commerical for 2012, he said they were going to see it and she replied 'You're going to go see it, I'm waiting for my best friend to take me.' (I had told Nikki last week that I was going to take her to see that movie.) He has never met me so she launched into the story of how we met (cute story, I'll tell later) and how long we've been best friends, etc. He gets pissed and says 'You'll leave me for a girl, wouldn't you?' to which she replied 'I'll leave you for my damn self!' Then he says something about how Nikki sounded like she was talking about her lover, not her friend. Nikki gets pissed, goes into the restroom, starts crying and calls me. WHY do I have to go through this crap all the damn time?! Her ex-husband was always accusing Nikki of fucking me, all her boyfriends have acted like I'm competition. In a way, I am but NOT LIKE THAT!

Tuesday, 27 October 2009

  • Survey thingie

    Be honest, do you miss your ex?
    Don't have an ex.

    Ever kissed a brown eyed person?
    Yes.

    Have you ever kissed a person with a tattoo?
    Yes.

    What color are your eyes?
    DBrown

    Do you enjoy going through a carwash?
    Yes.

    How did you get one of your scars?
    When I was a kid, the top of the back of the toilet sliced through my hand.

    Ever called a person useless?
    Not that I can remember.

    Do you like the snow?
    It's been years since I've seen any, it's ok.

    Is your sister a slut?
    No.

    Do you believe that there are certain circumstances where cheating is okay?
    Yes


    Have you ever slept on a couch with someone else?
    Yes.

    Which did you discover first, Myspace or Facebook?
    Myspace

    Have you ever been in trouble for something you honestly didn't do?
    yep

    Is there something that happened when you were younger that you really hate talking about?
    yes.

    Do you dislike the last person you kissed?
    No.

    Closer to your mom or dad?
    closer to my mom

    When you trip, do you get embarrassed or just play it off?
    I ignore it and pretend it never happened.

    Do you consider yourself spoiled?
    No.

    Let's test your memory, what color shirt were you wearing during your last kiss?
    blue

    Have you ever slapped someone?
    Yes.

    Do you find it hard to trust others?
    Yes.


    Does anyone call you babe or baby?
    occasionally.

    Have you kissed the last person you texted?
    Can't remember the last person I texted.

    What/who woke you up this morning?
    three alarms

    How long does it take you to fall asleep?
    20 mins?

    Do you prefer to take showers at night or in the morning?
    either

    What would your name be with just the first three letters?
    Sha

    Where did you sleep two nights ago?
    on the floor

    Who was the last person in your bedroom besides you?
    Mrs. Allison


    Does anyone disgust you?
    Yes

    What do you tend to drink a lot of?
    Water. Tea.

    What do you think of girls with huge boobs that don't wear bras in public?
    as long as they are perky..... 

    Who is the smartest person you know?
    Tough one...

    What do you think of the movie district 9?
    Didn't see it.

    If you could punch someone in the face right now would you?
    depends on the person

    What color is the shirt your wearing?
    green

    Who was last person in/on your bed besides you?
    NA

    What's your mood?
    full

    Do you have any pets?
    Pullo

    Are you hungry?
    no. just ate peanut butter/jelly sandwich


    Are you happy with your life?
    right now at this second, yes

    What color is your hair?
    dark brown reddish black.

    Are you cold at this very moment?
    no.

    Is there anyone in the room with you?
    Pullo

    Are you married?
    no

    Have you ever been out of state?
    yes

    What color eyes do you prefer in the opposite sex?
    don't care as long as they are vivid.

    Have you ever cried yourself to sleep?
    Of course.

    Have you ever woke up crying from a bad dream?
    Yes.

    Do you have kids?
    No, but hopefully someday.

    What are your plans for this weekend?
    Chillin.

    Do you cuss often?
    Yes

    Do you have a good relationship with your mother?
    Yes.

    Are you a mean person?
    No.

    Do you think relationships are even worth it?
    I guess

    If someone liked you right now, would you want them to tell you?
    Sure

    Are you in a good mood right now?
    I'd say so.

    Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoos?
    Three tats.

    Do you miss anyone?
    a little.

    Are you waiting for a phone call?
    no

    Have you ever been with someone while they were throwing up?
    Yep

    If you were kicked out of your house, where would you go first?
    Don't jinx me!

    Did the last person who hurt you, ever apologize?

    Eventually

    When was the last time you had your hair cut?
    couple of months ago

    Whats the first thing you heard this morning?
    alarm

    Could you go a month without talking to your best friend?
    Yes, I've had to before. I'd rather not, though.

    Are there any bruises on your body that are the result of stupidity?
    No.

    Where is your phone?
    on my desk

    Is it more common for you to follow your heart or your mind?
    I'm not sure. I follow both at times.

    Do you think age matters in relationships?
    No, but I might be biased. Realistically, it's probably better to be with someone you can grow old with. However, I personally dislike most of the people who are my own age.

    Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night?
    no.

    Who did you last take a picture with?
    I don't even remember.

    When was the last time you saw someone attractive?
    today

    Are you gonna get high later?
    No

    Who are you texting?
    No one

    How late did you stay up last night and why?
    3:00..hard for me to sleep sometimes

    What do you currently hear right now?
    Saosin 'You're Not Alone'

    When was the last time you talked to one of your best friends?
    Yesterday

    Who was the first person you talked to today?
    Pullo

    Have you lost contact with someone you wish you didn't?
    Yes

    What's something you do when you're mad?
    Clam up and feel my blood pressure go up

    Are you a patient person?
    sometimes

    Would you rather be mad or sad?
    Mad. I'd choose mad any day.

    If you could go back in time and change something, would you?
    Yes. ALOT of things

    Is there someone you just can't imagine your life without?
    a few people

    If you married the last person you texted, what would your last name be?
    can't even remember who I texted last

    Were you happy when you woke up today?
    So-so. I'm not a morning person.


    Will your next kiss be a mistake?
    Hope not.

    When you say you don't care do you mean it?
    Sometimes

    Have you ever liked someone older than you?
    ha. YES.

    Do you regret anything that you’ve done in your past?
    many many things

    Are you stubborn?
    YES.

    Do you have a reason to smile right now?
    sure.

    Is there anybody you wish you could spend time with right now?
    Yes.

    Could you go a whole year without cursing?
    I did it when I was younger..soo...maybe lol?? I doubt I could go a whole year without muttering at least something.

    Will you be in a relationship next month?
    Probably not.

    Have you ever kissed anyone with a name that started with B or D?
    Yes


    Three names you go by?
    Shari, Grasshopper, ?

    What are you wearing right now?
    jeans and tshirt

    What's your mood?
    neutral....trying to make myself go to sleep

    Have you ever been given a rose?
    Yes.

    Have you ever licked a photo?
    no

    Have you ever been in love?
    No.

    Do you believe that everyone has a soul-mate?
    *shrugs*

    What's your current problem??
    money....but that's always my problem!

    Have you ever had your heart broken?
    Yes.

    Do you have a crush?
    Not currently

    How many kids do you want to have?
    more than 2

    Whats your favorite color??
    Red

    Have you ever found it hard to tell anyone you love them?

    Yes

    Imagine you're 40 & your spouse just died would you get re-married?
    after some time and if I find the right person

    What song do you want played at your wedding?
    I'm not girly enough to plan that kind of thing.

    Do you like/love anyone?
    I love some people...but not like that.

    Have you ever wrote a love song/ poem/ letter/ note?
    yes

    Do you want to get married?
    Truthfully, yes..but not anytime soon.

    Did you have a good day today?
    Pretty good.

    Where did you just get back from?
    Taking Pullo for a walk.

    What are you thinking about?
    going to sleep

    Do you get along with others well?
    sometimes, I'm a bit awkward.

    Would you ever go back to any of your past relationships?
    No past relationships

    Who's the closest person/people around you?
    Perhaps my neighbors? I'm home alone.

Sunday, 25 October 2009

Saturday, 24 October 2009

  • Rob does it again....

    Nikki (BFF) watched Twilight for the first time yesterday.

    She hasn't read the books and she has no intention to but RP is now in her top 5 of men she wants to fuck.

    She watched the movie in full once then rewatched her favorite parts 4 more times. Being that this is Nikki, she's quite pissed at the lack of sex in the movie. She called me and described the three scenes that she insists should have been followed with sex. I was laughing so damn hard on the phone with her.

    Now I'm just wanting on the call about the RP dream. Have yall ever heard of how vivid pregnant women' dreams are? Nik had a dream about Johnny Depp a while back and she swears it was so real, she woke up.....satisfied and expecting Johnny to be in the bed next to her. She even wrote it down! LOL

    Thanks Rob.

     

Wednesday, 21 October 2009

  • Late....(kind of a long post)

    I think my period is late. If it doesn't come soon, something could be really wrong.

    Thanks for all your comments on my last post! I think I'm going to start simple and just jot down where every single cent goes. Get myself a little notebook just for that.

    My sleep has been so off lately. I'm talking 1-2 hours of sleep every night! Tomorrow is my last working day at the VA. I process out on Friday. So hopefully I'll be able to get back on some type of sleep schedule again.

    I'm kinda freaked about this new job. It's been a long time since I've done the call center thing and I've never done it at home. :(

    My eating has been good. Hoping for a good WI on Sunday.....if TOM doesn't come.

    Sooooooo, who's going to see New Moon? I still haven't decided if I'm going. I mean, I'm Team Jacob but the first and last part of the book pissed me off SO bad! And seriously, it was NOT fair for them to cast Robert as Edward because he makes me kinda forget what a jerkface Edward is! Robert and Kirsten are just too good together.

    zJn189659372-02

    Of course, I wanna see this

    25

    and this

    Picture12

    but drooling over this

    425_newmoon_lautner_taylor_lc_092209

    makes me feel like a total pedophile!

    Agh!

    Desi is going, of course. Her and her crew already got their tickets for the very first 12:01 screening, which sold out in like 10 minutes! She was telling me about getting some New Moon shirts for the screening. Like 99% of my Twilight friends, she's Team Edward so she wants the one that says I run with Vampires or something like that. She's even got some Amber colored contacts. LOL Did I mention the vampire tat? Cause I knew it would make her practically orgasmic, I brought her a bottle of this new lotion from Avon. It's a shimmer lotion for the holidays, it smells AMAZING and gives your skin a subtle and sexy sparkle (if you wanna order some, let me know!  ). She LOVED it!   She walked me to the bus elevator after work and we talked about her possibly going back to her crazy ass ex girlfriend and her current boyfriend. She called herself a money grubing whore and said that's why all her friends drop cash like they do. I asked her why did she hang with my broke ass then and she laughed, gave me a squeeze and said it's because I rock!

    I was reading this fanfic that NoSelfDestruct recommended and I found two other ones on the website:

    Bridge Over Troubled Water

    Imprinted

    READ THEM! Sooo good! I love my Emmett but I never thought of him and Bella together.

     

    On to other things.....

    Thanks to Learning Moderation , I've been checking out WL logs on YOUtube. You should check out this chick: WholeWheatSandwich . Such a wonderfully unique, funny girl. She had me laughing and crying last night.

     

    Just because:

     

    Finishing off with the trailers of two movies I want to see:

Sunday, 18 October 2009

  • Weakness

    I have many weaknesses. Many.

    Which is very fun considering I hate weakness. Not all weakness, mind you, but most. I'm actually very forgiving of weakness in others, just not in myself.

    Money is a big weak spot for me. Not to the point where I would use someone for money. I'm just unbelievably careless with my own money and it pisses me off.

    I got my dental refund check last week. Now, that money was supposed to go towards paying my overdue rent, the power bill, and/or my Avon balance. Supposed.

    It did....partially. I did pay my rent, which left me a little over $100. I had no food so I brought some groceries, spending around $40. I had every intention of putting the remaining $60+ in the bank. Every intention.

    I would like to say that working two jobs everyday has fried my brain. My days do seem to merge together lately. I could blame it on that.

    No.

    Truth is, I don't know how I spent $60+ in two days. I never do. Money just....disappears. I never have anything to show for it. No new clothes, devices, whatever.

    I'm pretty sure I spent the money on crap. Crap food. Junk that only makes me fatter and makes me hate myself more. But damn if I can't remember!

    And now, I have no money and once again, I will probably have to put my bank accounts into the negative just to make it to next payday.

    It's a vicious cycle that needs to stop.

Wednesday, 14 October 2009

Tuesday, 13 October 2009

  • Facepalm!

    Take that, ebay fucker! You thought you would sneak in a winning bid at the last moment but I got you, with 2 seconds to spare! $20 and this is mine:

    308848888_tp

    Rare, spur-of-the-moment purchases make me smile.

    I think I'm going to make a ticker to countdown my final hours at the VA.

    I posted my hair pic for my girls over at 3FC. I was expecting comments like 'Great job!' and 'It looks good', which I got, but one girl took me by surprise:

    'Congrats on the loss and what a beautiful girl you are btw, wow!'

    I don't know....that just made my week! I guess I do look kind of pretty in that pic.

    This self confidence thing is really hard!

    I met this chick on the bus and she works at a spa. Apparently, it's national Spa Week and their usual $100-150 facials, massages, and such are $50. I've never been to a spa in my life and it all sounded so exotic. Maybe I'll be spontaneous (read: stupid) and get a massage?

     

Sunday, 11 October 2009

  • NSV and resignation yall!

    You guys ever heard of Paula Deen? She's this chef lady on FoodNetwork. I was walking around Walmart and I noticed that she has the line of basically everything you need for cooking. On the label, she has the intro, something about cooking with her aunt Peggy, blah, blah, blah but what really got me was that nearly every sentence ended with 'ya'll'! That just tickled me, for some reason. I happen to use ya'll alot, it's one of my 'non-language' words along with ain't, but I've never seen it in print like that.

    So for my NSV: I did my own perm for the first time last night! And it actually came out okay! I was sort of depressed last night, missing my friends back in Bama so I decided to do my hair to get my mind off things. I haven't had a perm in like 4 months and my hair was looking FIERCE! And not in a good way. I was hesitant but then I was like 'fuck it!' and just slapped the perm in. Here's the result:

    100_1039

    A little wavy but the roots are straight for the most part!

    (I need to get my ends clipped >.<)

    I can put a comb through it again. Yay me! Now all I need to conquer is wrapping and I will have the hair thing down pat!

    I'm growing my nails too. It's so freaking hard to not bite them! They are super weak though so I'm going to try to put nail hardener on them to tough them up.

    So my last official day at the VA is Oct 24th. I'm super excited, relieved, but a little nervous. I've been an employee of the VA for over 3 years. As much as I hated working in the kitchen, I always had this sense of pride working with our veterans. I loved sporting the VA patch and telling those who asked where I worked. But I just can't handle the mental stress anymore.

    I knew this would happen, I said it would, and it did! Just as I turned in my resignation, I get an interview in another department. >.< BUT it was for EMS (housekeeping), the department my mama used to work in, the department that tried to screw her over, that is currently screwing over other people. I went to the interview on Thursday. I thought it was going to be the assistant chief but it turned out to be one of the supervisors and this cute guy who works in supply. My outfit was very cute but my hair was a mess and I was sweating like crazy from being outside, walking in the sun.  The interview was short, both guys already know me and see me everyday. At the end of it, Chris (the cutie) said 'this is your time to tell us why you deserve the job. Dazzle us!' and I looked at him, gave him a smile and said 'You see me everyday, you know I can do the job, and I know that I dazzle you all the time.' Theo (the supervisor) and he laughed then walked me out. Even if they did call me for the job, I've basically decided that I won't take it. See, they are so gungho to fill the position because they are trying to fire the woman who is currently doing it. She happens to be a friend of mines and she is the ONLY person in the whole damn hospital who knows what she is doing in Patient Effects. Everytime she's sick and isn't at work, who ever they have to fill in for her (other employees and even the supervisors) doesn't know what the fuck they are doing and chaos ensues. The only reason I applied for the job was because it was a higher pay, fulltime, and Joyce would be there to teach me everything. But if she's not there, what's the point? I won't be able to learn everything and do everything that she does in one day. Plus, I don't want to have to deal with Mrs.C (the chief of EMS) and her lapdogs. EMS is going downhill fast and I don't want to be there when it finally implodes on itself. If Joyce somehow manages to keep her job and they call me, I will take the job. Being fulltime will help me get into a clerical position in the hospital.

    Everyone I've told is all like 'Girl, you better take that job!' but they don't know Mrs.C . I called my mama today and told her and she (pleasantly) surprised me by telling me that she wouldn't take the job. For my new readers and people who just don't know, my mama is my hero. She's my #1 source of inspiration and advice. We differ on some things but she never tries to make me someone I'm not. I always go to her for sound advice and 99.99999% of the time, I take her advice, even if I initally rebel against it. She knows what it's like to work for Mrs. C and she's always been adamant about me not working in that department. It would be essentially me jumping from a hot ass, oil filled frying pan directly into the fire. I guess we'll see by the end of this week what's going down.

     

  • Visit DreamFaerye's Xanga Site
    • Name: Shari
    • Gender: Female
    • Member Since: 1/16/2008

Pieces of Me

  • I'm a Southern gal from New Jersey. Former WWer, now I'm trying intuitive eating. I'm fascinated with pinup girls, belly dancing, and stripteases. I have no problem cutting someone over Angelina Jolie and Gerard Butler.

6 Daily Minimum

Almonds and other Nuts
Beans and other Legumes
Spinach and other Green Veggies
Dairy
Instant Oatmeal
Eggs
Turkey and other Lean Meats
Peanut Butter
Olive Oil (Canola Oil for me)
Whole Grain Breads and Cereal
Extra-Protein (Whey) Powder
Raspberries and other Berries

10 Lbs 10 Times

{} 254.5
{} 244.5
{} 234.5
{} 224.5
{} 214.5
{} 204.5
{} 194.5
{} 184.5
{} 174.5
{} 164.5

10% Goals

{} 238.1
{} 214.3
{} 192.8
{} 173.5
{} 156.2

Rewards

{} 254.5
{} 244.5
{} 234.5
{} 224.5
{} 214.5
{} 204.5
{} 194.5
{} 184.5
{} 174.5
{} 164.5

Movies to See

Tim Burton's 9
X-Men Origins: Wolverine
Next Day Air
Terminator: Salvation
New Moon
Up
Star Trek
Angels & Demons
2012
DayBreakers
Precious
Mary & Max
Gamer
The Road
Legion (?)

Weblog Archives

Don't worry - your calendar is here… to see it in action just click "Save" above and refresh the page.