I'm serious.

I want to be a mama so bad. I think about it everyday.

God, I'm so weird.

What 23 year old thinks about being a mother constantly?!

Shouldn't I be thinking about school, clubbing, boyfriend/girlfriend, shopping or some shit like that?

My psyche is all messed up.

Maybe I'm impatient to be what my mama wasn't.

The only love I feel right about is the love for my future children. 

Logic says it can't happen right now. I have no money. I don't want my kid to know hunger and filth like I did.

I also don't want her to know a cold, emotionless mother. That is what I am, cold. Unable to express what I feel. Except anger. Always rage.

I want my kid to know love. I want to be able to hug without flinching. To smile with my lips and my eyes. I want my heart to ache with happiness, not sadness and pain.

What about a dad? A sperm donor? How can I create life when I can't stand to be touched? Who would want me anyway?

I cry because I'm afraid I'll be like this forever.

Alone in neverending darkness.

Be honest, do you miss your ex?
Don't have an ex.

Ever kissed a brown eyed person?
Yes.

Have you ever kissed a person with a tattoo?
Yes.

What color are your eyes?
DBrown

Do you enjoy going through a carwash?
Yes.

How did you get one of your scars?
When I was a kid, the top of the back of the toilet sliced through my hand.

Ever called a person useless?
Not that I can remember.

Do you like the snow?
It's been years since I've seen any, it's ok.

Is your sister a slut?
No.

Do you believe that there are certain circumstances where cheating is okay?
Yes

Have you ever slept on a couch with someone else?
Yes.

Which did you discover first, Myspace or Facebook?
Myspace

Have you ever been in trouble for something you honestly didn't do?
yep

Is there something that happened when you were younger that you really hate talking about?
yes.

Do you dislike the last person you kissed?
No.

Closer to your mom or dad?
closer to my mom

When you trip, do you get embarrassed or just play it off?
I ignore it and pretend it never happened.

Do you consider yourself spoiled?
No.

Let's test your memory, what color shirt were you wearing during your last kiss?
blue

Have you ever slapped someone?
Yes.

Do you find it hard to trust others?
Yes.

Does anyone call you babe or baby?
occasionally.

Have you kissed the last person you texted?
Can't remember the last person I texted.

What/who woke you up this morning?
three alarms

How long does it take you to fall asleep?
20 mins?

Do you prefer to take showers at night or in the morning?
either

What would your name be with just the first three letters?
Sha

Where did you sleep two nights ago?
on the floor

Who was the last person in your bedroom besides you?
Mrs. Allison

Does anyone disgust you?
Yes

What do you tend to drink a lot of?
Water. Tea.

What do you think of girls with huge boobs that don't wear bras in public?
as long as they are perky..... 

Who is the smartest person you know?
Tough one...

What do you think of the movie district 9?
Didn't see it.

If you could punch someone in the face right now would you?
depends on the person

What color is the shirt your wearing?
green

Who was last person in/on your bed besides you?
NA

What's your mood?
full

Do you have any pets?
Pullo

Are you hungry?
no. just ate peanut butter/jelly sandwich

Are you happy with your life?
right now at this second, yes

What color is your hair?
dark brown reddish black.

Are you cold at this very moment?
no.

Is there anyone in the room with you?
Pullo

Are you married?
no

Have you ever been out of state?
yes

What color eyes do you prefer in the opposite sex?
don't care as long as they are vivid.

Have you ever cried yourself to sleep?
Of course.

Have you ever woke up crying from a bad dream?
Yes.

Do you have kids?
No, but hopefully someday.

What are your plans for this weekend?
Chillin.

Do you cuss often?
Yes

Do you have a good relationship with your mother?
Yes.

Are you a mean person?
No.

Do you think relationships are even worth it?
I guess

If someone liked you right now, would you want them to tell you?
Sure

Are you in a good mood right now?
I'd say so.

Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoos?
Three tats.

Do you miss anyone?
a little.

Are you waiting for a phone call?
no

Have you ever been with someone while they were throwing up?
Yep

If you were kicked out of your house, where would you go first?
Don't jinx me!

Did the last person who hurt you, ever apologize?

Eventually

When was the last time you had your hair cut?
couple of months ago

Whats the first thing you heard this morning?
alarm

Could you go a month without talking to your best friend?
Yes, I've had to before. I'd rather not, though.

Are there any bruises on your body that are the result of stupidity?
No.

Where is your phone?
on my desk

Is it more common for you to follow your heart or your mind?
I'm not sure. I follow both at times.

Do you think age matters in relationships?
No, but I might be biased. Realistically, it's probably better to be with someone you can grow old with. However, I personally dislike most of the people who are my own age.

Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night?
no.

Who did you last take a picture with?
I don't even remember.

When was the last time you saw someone attractive?
today

Are you gonna get high later?
No

Who are you texting?
No one

How late did you stay up last night and why?
3:00..hard for me to sleep sometimes

What do you currently hear right now?
Saosin 'You're Not Alone'

When was the last time you talked to one of your best friends?
Yesterday

Who was the first person you talked to today?
Pullo

Have you lost contact with someone you wish you didn't?
Yes

What's something you do when you're mad?
Clam up and feel my blood pressure go up

Are you a patient person?
sometimes

Would you rather be mad or sad?
Mad. I'd choose mad any day.

If you could go back in time and change something, would you?
Yes. ALOT of things

Is there someone you just can't imagine your life without?
a few people

If you married the last person you texted, what would your last name be?
can't even remember who I texted last

Were you happy when you woke up today?
So-so. I'm not a morning person.

Will your next kiss be a mistake?
Hope not.

When you say you don't care do you mean it?
Sometimes

Have you ever liked someone older than you?
ha. YES.

Do you regret anything that you’ve done in your past?
many many things

Are you stubborn?
YES.

Do you have a reason to smile right now?
sure.

Is there anybody you wish you could spend time with right now?
Yes.

Could you go a whole year without cursing?
I did it when I was younger..soo...maybe lol?? I doubt I could go a whole year without muttering at least something.

Will you be in a relationship next month?
Probably not.

Have you ever kissed anyone with a name that started with B or D?
Yes


Three names you go by?
Shari, Grasshopper, ?

What are you wearing right now?
jeans and tshirt

What's your mood?
neutral....trying to make myself go to sleep

Have you ever been given a rose?
Yes.

Have you ever licked a photo?
no

Have you ever been in love?
No.

Do you believe that everyone has a soul-mate?
*shrugs*

What's your current problem??
money....but that's always my problem!

Have you ever had your heart broken?
Yes.

Do you have a crush?
Not currently

How many kids do you want to have?
more than 2

Whats your favorite color??
Red

Have you ever found it hard to tell anyone you love them?

Yes

Imagine you're 40 & your spouse just died would you get re-married?
after some time and if I find the right person

What song do you want played at your wedding?
I'm not girly enough to plan that kind of thing.

Do you like/love anyone?
I love some people...but not like that.

Have you ever wrote a love song/ poem/ letter/ note?
yes

Do you want to get married?
Truthfully, yes..but not anytime soon.

Did you have a good day today?
Pretty good.

Where did you just get back from?
Taking Pullo for a walk.

What are you thinking about?
going to sleep

Do you get along with others well?
sometimes, I'm a bit awkward.

Would you ever go back to any of your past relationships?
No past relationships

Who's the closest person/people around you?
Perhaps my neighbors? I'm home alone.

Nikki (BFF) watched Twilight for the first time yesterday.

She hasn't read the books and she has no intention to but RP is now in her top 5 of men she wants to fuck.

She watched the movie in full once then rewatched her favorite parts 4 more times. Being that this is Nikki, she's quite pissed at the lack of sex in the movie. She called me and described the three scenes that she insists should have been followed with sex. I was laughing so damn hard on the phone with her.

Now I'm just wanting on the call about the RP dream. Have yall ever heard of how vivid pregnant women' dreams are? Nik had a dream about Johnny Depp a while back and she swears it was so real, she woke up.....satisfied and expecting Johnny to be in the bed next to her. She even wrote it down! LOL

Thanks Rob.

I have many weaknesses. Many.

Which is very fun considering I hate weakness. Not all weakness, mind you, but most. I'm actually very forgiving of weakness in others, just not in myself.

Money is a big weak spot for me. Not to the point where I would use someone for money. I'm just unbelievably careless with my own money and it pisses me off.

I got my dental refund check last week. Now, that money was supposed to go towards paying my overdue rent, the power bill, and/or my Avon balance. Supposed.

It did....partially. I did pay my rent, which left me a little over $100. I had no food so I brought some groceries, spending around $40. I had every intention of putting the remaining $60+ in the bank. Every intention.

I would like to say that working two jobs everyday has fried my brain. My days do seem to merge together lately. I could blame it on that.

No.

Truth is, I don't know how I spent $60+ in two days. I never do. Money just....disappears. I never have anything to show for it. No new clothes, devices, whatever.

I'm pretty sure I spent the money on crap. Crap food. Junk that only makes me fatter and makes me hate myself more. But damn if I can't remember!

And now, I have no money and once again, I will probably have to put my bank accounts into the negative just to make it to next payday.

It's a vicious cycle that needs to stop.

Take that, ebay fucker! You thought you would sneak in a winning bid at the last moment but I got you, with 2 seconds to spare! $20 and this is mine:

Rare, spur-of-the-moment purchases make me smile.

I think I'm going to make a ticker to countdown my final hours at the VA.

I posted my hair pic for my girls over at 3FC. I was expecting comments like 'Great job!' and 'It looks good', which I got, but one girl took me by surprise:

'Congrats on the loss and what a beautiful girl you are btw, wow!'

I don't know....that just made my week! I guess I do look kind of pretty in that pic.

This self confidence thing is really hard!

I met this chick on the bus and she works at a spa. Apparently, it's national Spa Week and their usual $100-150 facials, massages, and such are $50. I've never been to a spa in my life and it all sounded so exotic. Maybe I'll be spontaneous (read: stupid) and get a massage?